Monday, November 24, 2014

We're Only Human

We only get one life to live and we have to live it to the fullest.  Sometimes it's easy to forget that with all the pressures of being an adult that isn't independently wealthy with a kick ass metabolism.  I know I for one get bogged down with silly things like did I over do it and blow everything or worrying about what I'm wearing.  Even when I worry about the huge things like my spouse passing away I turn around and forget to really appreciate him. 
Between the thanksgiving holiday and a friend of mine being terminally ill I want to make appreciating the things I have a priority.  Yes, sometimes going to work or other chores isn't what we want to do but at least I'm well enough to do them.  Instead of worrying about my husband dieing, a legitimate fear since I seem to know a lot of widows,  I should increase the life insurance and appreciate each day we are together more.  If there is a way to make the small worries go away so I can keep to the business of living I should do it!  This brings me to my weight, I think I need to focus on health.  I'm working out more and trying to eat better.  That will go along way to helping me reach my goals, I think.  At least it's a positive start.  I love the holiday season!

Monday, November 10, 2014

So Close

I was really on a roll last time I checked in.  I was biking and cooking low carbohydrate meals at home.  I even tried new recipes!!  I made masked cauliflower and it was great!  Even my husband liked it.  Then the social activities started on Thursday afternoon and didn't stop until Sunday night.  I really lost focus and did all the things that got me to this weight in the first place.  Did I have fun?  Yes! 
That's the issue, is it worth it to skip the fun for thin?  I imagine a fitness person might say you have to re-frame what fun means to you to achieve your fitness and weight loss goals.  I suppose pretending you enjoy sipping water while everyone else is having wine and cheese plate.  However, I felt really good about myself while I was on task and not so much when I wasn't.   When I was with my friends and drinking I was having fun, but the regret was pretty brutal. 
I did enjoy the feeling of accomplishment I had for a few days last week, and I see it as something worth pursuing.  I went to the store to get meals for the first three days of the week.  I plan to make ahead salads for tomorrow night so that I can just heat up some meatballs and pull out the ready made side.  I really need to get serious and succeed so I can get off this roller coaster.  It's exhausting! 

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

I Have A Rest & Relaxation Addiction

It all started about 10 years ago when I was suddenly promoted from assistant director to director of a daycare center.  We had just come back from our honeymoon and I was thrust into a position I wasn't ready for without an assistant, like I had been, to help me.  I loved my staff and working with the kids, but the parents and getting the money from the parents was too stressful. 
I began having stress related insomnia.  I would be exhausted from a 10-12 hour day working with people and fall asleep just fine.  Then around 2 am I would wake up in a full panic and be unable to go back to sleep.  Then I'd often get a call that someone was calling in sick so I'd have to go in early and stay late.  I felt like I could never sleep or even relax and there was a ton of crying.  On the weekends I would have to go in and do my paper work which I didn't even mind that much because at least it was quiet.  It wasn't the long hours that stressed me out so much as the parents and my regional manager.  I had a few parents that I had trouble getting tuition checks from every week and a manager that screamed a lot.  I am just not the type of person that can turn a child away at the door because tuition is late. 
In the end I quit after six miserable months. When I look back now, of course, I see things I could have done to possibly improve my situation and keep the job.  However, I was so unhappy and making my poor husband miserable I'm sure.  We went to Las Vegas that weekend and I partied my ass off!!  Then I came home and slept for about three days straight.  I'd get up and eat and go back to bed.  I started taking an anti anxiety medication and started sleeping normally again.
The problem is I think this experience made me a freak about sleep and down time.  I work in promotions at a radio station so when I work I deal with people non stop and am very outgoing.  I imagine people see me as an outgoing person that likes to socialize and party all the time.  In reality I play hard and rest even harder.  Luckily I only work part time so I get random weekdays to just be at home puttering and keeping to myself.  I often stand at my wall calendar holding my breath looking at my upcoming schedule.  When I lock eyes on the day off coming up I feel I can exhale.  I also feel the need to get in bed early most nights and "wind down".  Sometimes I do that even if I took a nap! 
Lately I worry this is holding me back.  Do I really need that much down time?  Is there such a thing as too much sleep?  Would I be happier if I went and did things outside with other people on my days off?  Should I make a busier social schedule for my husband and I?  I see some people on the dreaded Facebook that seem to never have a sweatpants day even or evening for that matter.  When do they recharge?  I often joke that I have a touch of agoraphobia, but it didn't used to be that way.  Maybe the going nonstop people wonder if they'd be better off if they rested more.  Today I don't have to work, but I'm going to go for a walk with a friend.  That's a good start.

Monday, November 3, 2014

What's It Going To Take?

I have less than a month until Thanksgiving weekend when I will see most of my family.  I haven't seen some of them in a while and my weight gain has got to be noticeable.  I have finally resorted to making low carbohydrate dinners in an attempt to see some actual weight loss.  It's difficult on the one hand because my enthusiasm for cooking is not helped by a lack of my favorite things such as pasta and rice and bread.  However, the idea of actually losing weight has been appealing the last few days that I have been trying this out. Plus my husband seems excited and I love that. 
Main dishes seem pretty easy to figure out, take a protein and spice it up.  It's the side dishes that are causing me problems.  Usually I would make a little pasta or rice, but that's what I tend to over eat.  It's usually half a plate of carbohydrate heavy side and a protein.  In fact, I would usually be happy to skip the protein altogether!!  So far I have relied on sauteed mushrooms, but that's not green and I know I'll burn out.  Eating healthy is really expensive!  The recommended snacks and entrees are much more expensive than the pasta and rice I usually make. 
Tonight I'm making scrambled eggs with bacon and a sauteed portobello mushroom.  Tomorrow I plan to pick up a Cooking Light entree at Target on my way home from work.  I am going to get totally crazy and try out mashed cauliflower.  I used to think that sounded so stupid, then I got desperate to lose weight for an event, go figure. 
The weather has really changed here in Portland and I haven't been walking as much as I was.  I have stepped up my biking routine to help compensate.  Just this week started riding it for an hour on days I don't have to work.  I read in All You magazine that our health insurance company might reimburse up to $150 per year for a health club membership so I need to add that to my research list.  I suppose shame motivated me to lose weight for my own wedding perhaps it will work for me this time too.