Wednesday, August 19, 2015

The Good Fight

Life seems to be a series of fights large and small.  It's right out front sometimes like with the "battle of the bulge" and the more general response to how are you "fighting the good fight".  Relationships are no different even though we act like it should be effortless.  Nothing worth doing is easy, but sometimes it would be nice if that was the case.
When you change your lifestyle and eating habits drastically there are other side effects besides weight loss.  Unfortunately, this can take some time to get used to for the people around you.  I feel like emotions are closer to the surface and fuses are shorter.  When you preoccupy yourself with food it's easy to let other things pass you by, but when that buffer is taken away you may be left not knowing how to handle those feelings in a calm way.  Not that people without eating disorders have their emotional shit together, it's just that now you have a person whose personality has shifted rather suddenly and it's a little unnerving.  I often read articles in my lady magazines about people feeling like their friends are having trouble getting used to the new them because they want to change the habits that put the weight on.  I think it's possible that the emotional changes are hard for them to deal with, and more importantly it's confusing to the person changing their life for the better.  Except depriving yourself of the food and drinks you want and having to work out all the other shit is supposed to be good!  All I know is it's not what I anticipated.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Last Minute Goal Ditcher

I did it again!!!  I turned down an invitation to go to happy hour and Portland Burger Week then I caved in to a spontaneous pizza lunch!  Then to top it all off I lured my friend out to dinner and more drinks instead of having a sensible dinner and staying in to watch our shows.  I don't know why I can't just go to lunch and not totally over do it.  It's the most frustrating thing about me second to going to lunch after I told myself no in the first place.
Here's the thing though, I had a really good time.  I have a friend that's really sick and I bet he never sits around wishing he spent more time hydrating and watching tv! As I have said a million times after doing this exact thing, I have to just move on.  I'm going to have a prescription food day, pre measured everything and lots of water.  

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Secret Not Drinking

Sometimes I have a vision of what needs to happen, or not happen, in a week to meet my goals.  For example, this week we are leaving for a couple days at the beach and I would like to leave early in the morning. This means no drinking the night before so I can get a good nights sleep and wake up feeling my best.  In order to insure that I don't get too excited the night before and blow it I have schedule a night out with friends the night before that. This way I'll be all partied out and ready to relax and get ready for my trip.  The next level of the plan is that in order to want to go out that night I can't go out the night before that.
So when my friends invite me to things that threaten my carefully calculated plan I freak out a little. Sometimes I don't feel like justifying my reasons to people so I just make a random excuse.  I'm not sure if I'm embarrassed that it takes that amount of self manipulation or if I don't want to argue the validity of it when they don't care and still want me to do what they want to do.
Last week I over indulged and this weekend I will also want to indulge a little.  In order to keep my weight on track something has to give.  This week I only get to go out one night, and that's that. What bothers me is that I feel guilty somehow about sticking to what I want.  I can't decide if it's my friends that make me feel that way or if I make myself feel that way.  It really is a huge compliment that people want to spend time with me, but sometimes I can't reach my goals and participate in all social activities that I would like to.
This brings up the same conundrum I always find myself in.  Is it better to meet your goals or live life with friends to the fullest?  For now I will try my best to balance the two.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Conflict Of Interest

Sometimes I feel like I am my own worst enemy.  Not just in the going out spending and consuming way, but also in the not taking opportunities way.  I will randomly go out on a weeknight, but say no to a weeknight invite ahead of time to a band or event.  I could call it trying to follow my goals, but am I?  Maybe I just don't want to try new things.  I think I do, but what if I really don't?  Sometimes I hear what other people are doing and I worry that my choices are wrong or worse boring.    
I may succumb to the desire to go out on a weeknight, but the goal is always to wait until Friday.  Is that even a worthy goal?  On Sunday I like to relax and get ready for the week, like the Seinfeld Episode I have to wind down before I start my week.  I have a friend that doesn't have that need at all. She calls it "bad decision Sunday" and treats it as if it was as good a day as Saturday.  I am so jealous of that attitude.  On the other hand, when I do go for it on a weeknight I end up often regretting it the next day.  Monday feels daunting when you're in worse shape than you were Friday.  I suppose a good compromise would be to try to stop the random going out for no reason and join in when a good opportunity comes along.  I really am trying to save money and lose weight and none of those things are helpful.  Life clearly can't be all about those two things.  It's the constant struggle to achieve a balance between the things we want and the things we should want.