I Have A Rest & Relaxation Addiction

It all started about 10 years ago when I was suddenly promoted from assistant director to director of a daycare center.  We had just come back from our honeymoon and I was thrust into a position I wasn't ready for without an assistant, like I had been, to help me.  I loved my staff and working with the kids, but the parents and getting the money from the parents was too stressful. 
I began having stress related insomnia.  I would be exhausted from a 10-12 hour day working with people and fall asleep just fine.  Then around 2 am I would wake up in a full panic and be unable to go back to sleep.  Then I'd often get a call that someone was calling in sick so I'd have to go in early and stay late.  I felt like I could never sleep or even relax and there was a ton of crying.  On the weekends I would have to go in and do my paper work which I didn't even mind that much because at least it was quiet.  It wasn't the long hours that stressed me out so much as the parents and my regional manager.  I had a few parents that I had trouble getting tuition checks from every week and a manager that screamed a lot.  I am just not the type of person that can turn a child away at the door because tuition is late. 
In the end I quit after six miserable months. When I look back now, of course, I see things I could have done to possibly improve my situation and keep the job.  However, I was so unhappy and making my poor husband miserable I'm sure.  We went to Las Vegas that weekend and I partied my ass off!!  Then I came home and slept for about three days straight.  I'd get up and eat and go back to bed.  I started taking an anti anxiety medication and started sleeping normally again.
The problem is I think this experience made me a freak about sleep and down time.  I work in promotions at a radio station so when I work I deal with people non stop and am very outgoing.  I imagine people see me as an outgoing person that likes to socialize and party all the time.  In reality I play hard and rest even harder.  Luckily I only work part time so I get random weekdays to just be at home puttering and keeping to myself.  I often stand at my wall calendar holding my breath looking at my upcoming schedule.  When I lock eyes on the day off coming up I feel I can exhale.  I also feel the need to get in bed early most nights and "wind down".  Sometimes I do that even if I took a nap! 
Lately I worry this is holding me back.  Do I really need that much down time?  Is there such a thing as too much sleep?  Would I be happier if I went and did things outside with other people on my days off?  Should I make a busier social schedule for my husband and I?  I see some people on the dreaded Facebook that seem to never have a sweatpants day even or evening for that matter.  When do they recharge?  I often joke that I have a touch of agoraphobia, but it didn't used to be that way.  Maybe the going nonstop people wonder if they'd be better off if they rested more.  Today I don't have to work, but I'm going to go for a walk with a friend.  That's a good start.

What's It Going To Take?

I have less than a month until Thanksgiving weekend when I will see most of my family.  I haven't seen some of them in a while and my weight gain has got to be noticeable.  I have finally resorted to making low carbohydrate dinners in an attempt to see some actual weight loss.  It's difficult on the one hand because my enthusiasm for cooking is not helped by a lack of my favorite things such as pasta and rice and bread.  However, the idea of actually losing weight has been appealing the last few days that I have been trying this out. Plus my husband seems excited and I love that. 
Main dishes seem pretty easy to figure out, take a protein and spice it up.  It's the side dishes that are causing me problems.  Usually I would make a little pasta or rice, but that's what I tend to over eat.  It's usually half a plate of carbohydrate heavy side and a protein.  In fact, I would usually be happy to skip the protein altogether!!  So far I have relied on sauteed mushrooms, but that's not green and I know I'll burn out.  Eating healthy is really expensive!  The recommended snacks and entrees are much more expensive than the pasta and rice I usually make. 
Tonight I'm making scrambled eggs with bacon and a sauteed portobello mushroom.  Tomorrow I plan to pick up a Cooking Light entree at Target on my way home from work.  I am going to get totally crazy and try out mashed cauliflower.  I used to think that sounded so stupid, then I got desperate to lose weight for an event, go figure. 
The weather has really changed here in Portland and I haven't been walking as much as I was.  I have stepped up my biking routine to help compensate.  Just this week started riding it for an hour on days I don't have to work.  I read in All You magazine that our health insurance company might reimburse up to $150 per year for a health club membership so I need to add that to my research list.  I suppose shame motivated me to lose weight for my own wedding perhaps it will work for me this time too.

What's For Dinner?

The age old question that haunts the end of each work day...What's for dinner?  It's the worst!!  I am not a person that loves to cook or spend a lot of time cooking and cleaning up.  In fact, I'm a person that prefers restaurants and take out.  Every once in a while I do like to make something, and I'm pretty good at a few things.  Very few. 
I cook mostly pasta, comfort foods and heat and eat and that's not really a great thing for weight loss.  My main issue is I'm not comfortable with raw meat. It gives me the creeps and I'm not really sure how to cook it properly.  I think I need to take a cooking class, but I'm also being cheap right now.  I guess a cooking class would be a fun date and learning how to cook meat could save me money in the long run. 
I'm constantly wondering what other people are making for dinner.  I think my assignment should be to find some blogs to follow and research cooking classes.  At the very least I could get some steaks and Google it.  There, now I have a plan.

Fall Says It All

It's only the beginning Fall I have already had my first cold of the year and I'm not a fan.  I don't usually get sick until after Christmas, but then I get really sick.  This was just a minor cold, but it slowed down my bike progress a little.  It did motivate me to go and get my flu shot before that became an issue so that's good.
I think what I'm going to do this week is add in all my biking and steps, but with the knowledge that I should come in about 200 calories below budget.  This way if I do splurge I can have some wiggle room with my extra calories.  When I was on Weight Watchers the program encouraged you to exercise by giving you extra activity points to use on splurges and it was motivating.  If I do come in under budget most days I think that could really help me start to lose weight. 
Then I need to add in not going crazy when I do splurge.  Once I start down the eating and drinking path it's hard to pull back.  I need to remember it's not the number of days I'm on point it's the overall intake and output of calories, there is really nothing else to the equation. 

What Is A Perfect "Diet" Day?

I talk so much about my goals and how I envision achieving them, but I don't seem to be getting anywhere.  I see food diaries from people in Weight Watchers magazine and it seems like something someone else should have to do to reach their goals, I should have it a little easier.  I'm not that heavy shouldn't I be able to have real pasta and not spaghetti squash masquerading as pasta?  I feel like I spend a ton of time thinking about being on a diet and denying myself things and for what?  I suppose I could be heavier and would be, without a doubt, if I didn't try as hard as I do.  What I am not doing is losing weight though, which is the point of all this bullshit I hate so much. 
I keep saying things to myself like "tomorrow I'll have a perfect day" or "good job!  Today was a perfect day".  What does that mean?  And why does it seem like I can string several "perfect" days together and still not get where I want to be?  Are the "imperfect" days really screwing things up that badly? 
What do I think is a perfect day?  Here it is:

• All meals logged and totaling under budget for the day
• Bike ridden for at least 30 minutes
• At least 10,000 steps

That doesn't seem so hard!!  Why am I not doing that most days?  I do feel like I'm improving and have made some progress lately which is great, but mostly I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels.  I think the answer is to keep going with the exercise and adjust my Fitbit.  Either not add my biking minutes to my day or don't count my steps so that my calorie allowance reflects a slightly lower number to help swing things painlessly, almost, in my favor.   There!  I made a plan to help improve my success, now I just have to implement it. 

Checking In

I don't have much in the way of news lately.  I am having some success with my daily biking and I do find that the extra activity makes me feel better.  Even when I'm walking I can tell that my legs are getting stronger.  I have a cold so I'm feeling a little blah.  I feel a little intimidated by my weight and financial goals.  I keep thinking if I were a person that was comfortable with moderation and self control I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.  I mostly feel like napping and eating pastries, but I continue to torture myself with the idea of achieving goals.  Wouldn't giving up be easier?  Probably not:)

Life Diet

This week felt like a really tough one.  I worked a lot, and had a few weeknight social engagements which I find makes it hard to maintain focus.  All that said, I did manage to bike for 30 minutes every day this week even if it meant setting my alarm to do it before work.  I also have kept above 10,000 steps every day and logged my meals all but dinner on Wednesday before seeing Dream Girls. It was really fun and it's always great to support local theater.
More good news,  I convinced my husband to join my at home Biggest Loser team.  He favors a lower carb program when he watches what he eats, so I am going to take that into consideration for meal planning.  He mentioned that he's already tired of the almonds I got him so I may have to cave and get some cashews even though I like to be cheap.  He is also trying to kick his diet Coke habit which I think is going to be hard but worthwhile. 
Things are going better with our money diet.  We increased our 401k contributions to maximum and will definitely feel the pinch of that when it starts being deducted.  We have had some low moments when an article or news report tells a bleak tale of the tech industry or lower returns now than in the past.  I imagine everyone worries about these things, but the older we get the more immediate the issues become.  My main money saving tactic has got to be cutting down on expensive out meals and drinks.  That is really the bulk of my spending and has the biggest potential for pay offs.  Ugh!!!!!!!